Introduction: The Struggle Within

Faith isn’t just a decision you make once—it’s a decision you make over and over again, every day.

Sometimes it feels easy. Sometimes, it feels like trying to walk uphill in a storm. Some days I feel on fire for God, and other days I feel like I’ve barely taken a step forward before I’m back in the same old habits, the same old struggles, the same old sins.

Lately, I’ve been questioning my ability to stay disciplined. Today feels like a full-blown relapse—not into drugs or alcohol, but into my old ways of thinking, speaking, and acting.

Am I really walking the path I claim to be? Or am I just fooling myself?

The Battle of Everyday Life

I work in construction—HVAC, around framers, plumbers, electricians, masons, roofers, drywallers, all kinds of tradesmen. Every day, I step onto a job site, and the air is filled with music I didn’t choose, conversations I didn’t start, words I don’t want to say, thoughts I don’t want to think.

It’s hard to walk the narrow path when you’re constantly soaking up the culture around you.

I don’t blame my coworkers for the things I struggle with. No one makes me sin. But it’s hard to stay clean when you’re surrounded by mud.

• I hear cursing all day, and when I get frustrated, it slips out of my mouth.

• I hear crude jokes, and they get stuck in my mind.

• I listen to music that I know pulls me in the wrong direction, but I justify it because I love it.

• I get angry at bad drivers and let the rage rise instead of letting it go.

• I find myself worshiping idols—not statues, but musicians, artists, and old heroes from my past.

I see the war happening inside me. The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. (Matthew 26:41)

Is My Faith Strong Enough?

I have goals. I feel called to help the homeless, addicts, incarcerated people, struggling families, veterans, and at-risk kids. I want to share my testimony and help people who are walking through their own darkness.

But how can I help people find the light when I keep falling back into the dark?

• Jesus says, “Sin no more.” (John 8:11)

• Jesus says, “Deny yourself, take up your cross daily, and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)

• The apostles say, “No one who keeps on sinning knows Him.” (1 John 3:6)

How can I be a disciple of Jesus when I still struggle so much?

I feel like Israel in the Old Testament—called by God, but constantly backsliding. God is patient, merciful, and full of grace, but how many times can I mess up before I become just like Israel, wandering in circles, never stepping into the promises He has for me?

Sin and Shame: The Enemy’s Favorite Weapons

Here’s the truth: I’ve done just about every sin there is to do.

• I’ve lied.

• I’ve stolen.

• I’ve cursed, raged, disrespected my parents.

• I’ve been drunk and high more times than I can count.

• I’ve been in fights.

• I’ve committed sexual immorality.

• I’ve betrayed people who trusted me.

• I’ve taken a life.

• I’ve been incarcerated.

And when I think about all of it, the shame comes rushing in.

I don’t deserve mercy.

I don’t deserve forgiveness.

I don’t deserve grace.

And that’s exactly what the enemy wants me to think.

Because if I believe I’m too far gone, I’ll stop trying.

If I believe I’m unworthy, I won’t let God use me.

If I believe I’ll never change, I’ll stop fighting.

But shame is not from God. Conviction leads to repentance, but shame leads to hiding.

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

— Romans 8:1

God already knows everything I’ve done—and He still called me. He still saved me. He still loves me.

“God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”

— 2 Corinthians 5:21

Walking in the World Without Becoming the World

I love music. I love storytelling. I love horror and mythology, fantasy and history. I love art that makes me feel something deep, that shakes me up, that moves me.

I also know that some of what I consume feeds the wrong things in me.

• There’s a difference between appreciating art and letting it shape your spirit.

• There’s a difference between loving music and letting it be an idol.

• There’s a difference between being in the world and becoming the world.

Jesus didn’t tell us to hide away—He told us to be the light in the darkness. (Matthew 5:14-16)

The early church didn’t lock themselves away from Roman culture—they stood in the middle of it and showed the world something different.

But if I’m not careful, I start blending in instead of standing out.

How Do I Keep Fighting?

I don’t have all the answers, but I know this much:

1. Keep My Eyes on Jesus.

• I have a little ornament of Jesus hanging from my rearview mirror, sitting cross-legged, playing guitar, smiling.

• It reminds me who I belong to, who I serve, and who I love.

• When I start slipping, I look at Him.

2. Capture Every Thought. (2 Corinthians 10:5)

• When the thoughts come—anger, lust, doubt, shame—I catch them.

• I don’t let them build a home in my head.

• I replace them with truth.

3. Choose Jesus One Moment at a Time.

• If I think about never sinning again, it feels impossible.

• But if I think about choosing Jesus right now, it’s possible.

• I don’t need to be perfect forever—I need to choose Jesus right now.

Forgiveness: The Bridge Back to God

I don’t deserve grace.

But that’s the whole point.

None of us do. And yet, Jesus took every sin—every curse word, every fight, every lie, every betrayal, every addiction, every death, every prison sentence—and nailed it to the cross.

“We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.”

— Isaiah 53:6

The cross is the bridge.

The enemy tells me I can’t come back.

Jesus says, “Follow me.”

The enemy tells me I’ll never change.

Jesus says, “I make all things new.” (Revelation 21:5)

The enemy tells me I’ll always be a sinner.

Jesus says, “You are forgiven.”

Conclusion: Keep Walking

I’m still figuring this out.

Some days, I feel strong. Some days, I feel like I’m drowning.

But I know this: I’m not alone.

Jesus isn’t waiting for me to be perfect—He’s walking with me through the imperfection.

And that’s what keeps me going.

So today, I choose Him again.

And tomorrow?

I’ll choose Him again.

Author’s Note: This post is part of a larger journey I’m working on—a book about light and darkness, spiritual warfare, and the fight for redemption. If this resonated with you, stay tuned—I’ll be sharing more soon.