My purpose is becoming clearer to me after traveling, living life, so long. Fifty-one years and I have finally received my revelation: I am here to share with the world the news about the gift I have received from Jesus, from my Lord and Savior — and that is that although I did not deserve it and although I am not good enough or worthy enough I was chosen to receive Salvation and Grace from God. He gave me Mercy and Forgiveness. He saved me from the pit I was in and the only thing I did when I received this revelation was stop digging. I had dug myself into a pit and I was still digging but then I realized that I didn’t have to dig anymore. He set me free from the prison of my own mind!

He has searched me — has searched my heart — and He knows me. He knew my name and everything about me before I was even in the womb. I trust in Him to give me understanding — that is, for Him to understand me when I don’t understand myself, or when I don’t understand why I do the things I do, or why I’ve done the things I’ve done. Now I ask Jesus.

So when I feel alone in my experience or in my thoughts or in my situation, when I feel lonely, when I feel out of place, when I feel like I don’t fit in, when I feel like I’m on the outside, or when I feel misunderstood and unwanted, I cry out to Jesus. I talk with Him. I go to Him. I look to Him.

When I look back and I see how I thought that I had to figure it out all on my own or else ask other people for advice or help or guidance or opinions I see how lost I was. “What should I do? Was that the right thing to say? Do you think I’m crazy here? Am I crazy or am I right?”

Now I know that I never was alone.

How could I have gotten myself through some of the things I’ve been through without some kind of Divine Intervention?

Asthma and Low Gamma-Globulin, Immune System Deficiency.

A bipolar mom, diagnosed with borderline personality syndrome in her thirties.

A dad, highly introverted, fully focused on a career in the financial world, diagnosed with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis at age 24.

Parents divorced before I was eight.

Changed schools eight times before the age of fourteen.

Moved five times before the age of fifteen.

My stealing and shoplifting phases. I stole stupid stuff like pens, packs of gum, magazines, toys that belonged to other kids, loose change from my parents, alcohol and condoms when I was older.

My lying and telling tall tales phases. I was a compulsive liar. I don’t even know why I felt so compelled to lie and tell stories but I loved to try to get over on other kids or my parents. I lied in summer camp about being able to play stuff on the guitar I had no skills to play. I told them that it was me playing on a tape and it was the guitar player for Quiet Riot on one solo and Jimi Hendrix playing the “Star Spangled Banner”. The camp counselors actually brought me to a cabin to a C.I.T. Who had an electric guitar set up with him and they urged me to play it. I was so embarrassed and felt so ashamed. The guy just laughed and was really kind and taught me how to play the main riff to “Crazy Train.” I’ve never forgotten it.

I shot my kid neighbor in the chest with my BB gun, trying to show off.

I was stung by two dozen or so yellow jacket wasps. My neighbor saved me by swatting all the bees away and getting me to safety.

I got kicked in the butt by one horse and thrown off by another.

I got caught trying to sneak a starter pistol onto an airplane.

I got bit on the nose by a dog trying to get to close to his face on the other side of a chain link fence.

Falling from the top of a tree, hitting several branches, not being able to stop, hitting the ground.

Sliding down a rock face seventy-five feet, barely stopping right before hitting the ground.

Stupid stuff on my BMX bike as a kid.

Stupid stuff on my mountain bike as a twenty-something-year-old.

Following too closely behind Dad’s car, late at night with friends in the car, taking a turn to fast, sliding, hitting the curb & breaking the axel.

Getting shot at by poachers while walking around in the woods at night by a park with friends.

Driving at night while intoxicated, many times, many times very intoxicated, sometimes at rapid rates of speed.

Knocking on the wrong door in a neighborhood my friend and I had not been to before, looking for another friend’s house, getting chased by the owner for fifteen miles, running red lights, until he finally gave up.

Weed. Lots of weed.

LSD. At least a dozen times.

Lots and lots and lots of booze and beer and wine. Bars. Parties. Shows.

Spying on construction workers as a kid, pretending they were the enemy and I was some kind of spy, mercenary, soldier of fortune kind of guy, getting chased when spotted.

Pulling over cars in my neighborhood like I was running some kind of “checkpoint,” with toy guns, camouflage, and military gear.

Trail riding and hiking through Steer Swamp, reportedly territory inhabited by a gang of young, criminal runaways known as The Marauders.

My five year old neighbor was kidnapped and held for ransom.

Lived in Hollywood in 1990-1991 from age seventeen to eighteen.

My friend died in a car fire after a wreck with another friend driving, and my girlfriend was terribly and permanently injured in the wreck as well.

Was attacked by a highly intoxicated and angry guy on the street who tried to then pull me out of my van, had to use lethal force to defend myself. Convicted of Involuntary Manslaughter. Four years incarceration in a state penitentiary. Five years of post-release control probation.

Briefly homeless then couch surfing.

More drinking. Risk-taking behavior. Reckless behavior.

Was at the show at the Alrosa Villa, 8 December 2004, when a shooter opened fire and killed Dimebag and shot several other people before a quick-acting police officer took him out. A total of eight people died that night. Somehow I was not physically injured and didn’t die.

Mom had a massive brain stem aneurysm following surgery and went into a coma, put on life support, no probability of recovery, took off life support ten days later, and she died.

More drinking. Weed. Reckless behavior. Cocaine. Several times.

Lost a good job with the state of Ohio, not because of my own actions. The condo I had bought went into foreclosure before I could sell it. Had to sell mom’s condo to pay down some debt of hers as well as mine.

Between age seventeen and forty-five moved twenty more times.

Started a time of addiction and mental health recovery, including sobriety in 2019.

Went through divorce in 2007 from first wife.

Went through many, many breakups after many long-term relationships. One lasted almost ten years.

Found Jesus. Declared my faith. Confessed my sins. Asked forgiveness. Got Baptized 11 September 2021 with my (now) wife!

Became an official member of a church for the very first time!

Joined the worship team as a member of the praise band in 2021!

Got married in 2021!

Lord, You get all the glory! It was all You!

Jesus, I could not have done any of these things or have gotten through any of these things without You by my side and without You going ahead of me, searching my heart, creating my path. I trust that You will never leave me nor forsake me.

Lord, I need You. I need You more than anything and I need You more now than ever before. You’ve been so good to me and you’ve been so faithful to me and you’ve been doing so much good inside of me even though I don’t deserve any of it. I’m a screw-up. I’m a black sheep. I’m a sinner. I hurt people. I wreck people’s lives. I destroy relationships. I let people down. I don’t deserve Your grace nor Your mercy nor Your forgiveness but I know that You have given me all. You have set me free! Thank You, Lord Jesus! Thank You, God!

PSALM 139:1-4

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.”

Psalms 139:1-4 NIV

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.139.1-4.NIV

2 CORINTHIANS 1:21-22

“Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.”

2 Corinthians 1:21-22 NIV

https://bible.com/bible/111/2co.1.21-22.NIV

JOSHUA 1:5

“No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Joshua 1:5 NIV

https://bible.com/bible/111/jos.1.5.NIV

From “Jesus Calling” (March 17), Sarah Young, 2004.

“Come to me for understanding since I know you far better than you know yourself.

“I comprehend you in all your complexity; no detail of your life is hidden from Me. I view you through eyes of grace, so don’t be afraid of My intimate awareness. Allow the Light of My healing Presence to shine into the deepest recesses of your being — cleansing, healing, refreshing, and renewing you. Trust Me enough to accept the full forgiveness that I offer you continually. This great gift, which cost Me My Life, is yours for all eternity. Forgiveness is at the very core of My abiding Presence. I will never leave you or forsake you.

“When no one else seems to understand you, simply draw closer to Me. Rejoice in the One who understands you completely and loves you perfectly. As I fill you with My Love, you become a reservoir of love, overflowing into the lives of other people.”